Crucial but Difficult Conversations

I've been preparing for a half day seminar/workshop coming up on the subject of having difficult conversations. I'm talking about the sort of conversations we know we need to have but may put off, avoid or perhaps never have because of anxiety and even real fear of confrontation and conflict.

I am calling the session 'Crucial Conversations in 4 Dimensions'.

Maybe not the most pithy of titles but I like the slight iteration and it's an honest introduction to what I shall be presenting.

Personally, in the last few years I've had a few crucial conversations that have been exceedingly difficult. However, I have noticed that I am much less afraid of having them than I once was. Though brave in the face of physical danger, maybe even foolish at times, when it came to emotional conversations the pattern of my youth was to run away without leaving even the briefest of notes as to where and why I had gone AWOL. In the unlikely event that anyone caught up with me, I would fly into a defensive rage to disarm the psychological assailant and then make a hasty retreat.

I was well into my thirties before I decided that I couldn't carry on this way. After some help from a good and wise friend and a period of rigorous, personal analysis, I understood something profound about the way I processed and expressed my experience of life. Intellectually and spiritually I have always been courageous and would digest and consider philosophical ideas, beliefs and concepts that would shake the psychic foundations of many of my peer group. I was, and still am very aware and awake to the physical dimensions of my being and that includes my own body and bodies in general and the shared environments in which I live and breath. However as far as emotions were concerned I was stultified, confused and in certain instances, emotionally retarded.

Because the other three dimensions were functioning well, I managed to exist and achieve with relative ease. As long as things were going smoothly. But when the going got tough, I got going...in the opposite direction.

But these days I have to say, even at the risk of sounding a little too 'on message' I love a challenging conversation. An opportunity to put things right between myself and another is a genuine pleasure for me.

I put this down to developing a deeper understanding of where and how my four dimensions connect and disconnect when I am communicating with others. How I feel, what I think, what I believe and finally what I do as a result of both giving and receiving a difficult message. Even a highly charged, emotional one. My only regret was that I didn't feel this way when I was in my twenties and starting my first businesses. Oh, how things could have been different!

However, while I am not afraid to look back at the past and learn, these days I don't stare.

In the context of leadership, having honest and regular conversations is the key to employee engagement and, in our experience, though many leaders and managers claim to be committed to engaging and inspiring their people, many find it challenging.

The pre - difficult conversation assumptions we hold can often be negative and full of anxiety about people's reactions to us. Some take receiving a bad reaction very personally. A manager I worked with who had to confront an employee about their repeated lateness once said to me: 'I keep putting off talking to them because if they shout at me I will definitely lose my temper. And that scares me because I just don't know will happen then." That's just terrifying. It's was also a sign that her 4 dimensions were way out of sync. Fortunately they didn't remain so.

Crucial conversations can be honest but should be relevant, can be challenging but should be informative, can be direct but also motivational and this happens most effectively when we are both self-aware and aware of others in 4D.

When we are genuinely in touch with how we feel emotionally and how that affects our thinking, we can connect with intentions based on clarity around our deepest values, beliefs and drives, allowing those to inform the physical expression of our message.

Staying connected to your intentional dimension really is vital and, as a consequence, brings with it the appropriate attitude, words, tone of voice and physical behaviour.

No need for anxiety or fear, just the courage of your convictions...and a bit of conscious effort.